Marco's Bistro, Liberty City 1986
SONNY: Tommy Vercetti...Huh! shit.
SONNY: Didn't think they'd ever let him out.
MAN1: He kept his head down, helps people forget.
SONNY: People will remember soon enough.
SONNY: When they see him walking down the streets of their neighborhoods.
SONNY: It will be bad for business.
MAN2: Well, what are we gonna do, Sonny?
SONNY: We treat him like an old friend and keep him busy out of town. OK?
SONNY: We been talking about expanding down South, right?
SONNY: Vice City is twenty-four carat gold these days.
SONNY: The Colombians, the Mexicans, hell,
SONNY: even those Cuban refugees are cutting themselves a piece
SONNY: of some nice action.
MAN1: But it's all drugs, Sonny,
MAN1: None of the families will touch that shit!
SONNY: Times are changing.
SONNY: The families can't keep their backs turned while our enemies
SONNY: reap the rewards.
SONNY: So, we send someone down to do the dirty work for us...
SONNY: and cut ourselves a nice quiet slice. OK?
SONNY: Who's our contact down there?
MAN2: Ken Rosenberg, schmuck of a lawyer.
MAN2: How's he gonna hold Vercetti's leash?
SONNY: We don't need him to.
SONNY: We just set him loose in Vice City,
SONNY: we give him a little cash to get started. OK?
SONNY: Give it a few months.
SONNY: Then we go down,
SONNY: pay him a little visit, right?
SONNY: see how he's doing.
Escobar International Airport, Vice City
KEN: Hey, hey, guys! It's, uh, Ken Rosenberg here! Hey!
KEN: Heh, heh, hey, great, hey!
KEN: Well, uh, I'm gonna drive you guys to the meet, okay?
KEN: Now, I've talked to the suppliers and they are very, huh-ha,
KEN: keen to start a business relationship, so, uh,
KEN: if all goes well, we should, uh,
KEN: be doing very nicely for ourselves, which is, y'know...
KEN: good..
KEN: Okay, so. They're brothers, okay.
KEN: One operates the uh, the business,
KEN: and the other one does the flying.
Vice City Docks
KEN: Ok, that's them in the chopper.
KEN: All right, here's the deal.
KEN: They want a straight exchange on open ground.
KEN: All right? Ok. Stay tight, let's go.
TOMMY: Got it?
MAN: 100% pure grade-A Colombian, my friend.
TOMMY: Let me see it.
MAN: The greens?
TOMMY: Tens and twenties...used.
MAN: I think we have a deal, my friend. HA HA!
TOMMY: Oh Shit!
TOMMY: Go on, get out of here! Drive!
Vice Beach, outside Ken's office
KEN: I poke my head out of the gutter for one freakin' second,
KEN: and fate shovels shit in my face!
TOMMY: Go get some sleep.
KEN: What are you gonna do?
TOMMY: I'll drop by your office tomorrow
TOMMY: and we can start sorting this mess out.
----------------
a. AN OLD FRIEND
----------------
TOMMY: Hello Sonny.
SONNY: Tommy! Tommy, it's been too long.
SONNY: I know, I know. You're just overwhelmed with emotion.
SONNY: Fifteen years - seems like only yesterday.
TOMMY: I guess that's a perspective thing.
SONNY: Hey, doing time for the family is no piece of cake,
SONNY: but the family looks after its own, ok?
SONNY: So, how'd the deal go down - you sitting on some white gold?
TOMMY: Look Sonny, we were set up. The deal was an ambush.
TOMMY: Harry and Lee are dead.
SONNY: You better be kidding me Tommy. Tell me you still got the money.
TOMMY: ...no Sonny...I don't have the money.
SONNY: That was my money, Tommy, MY MONEY!
SONNY: You better not be screwing me Tommy
SONNY: because you know I'm not a man to be screwed with!
TOMMY: Wait Sonny.
TOMMY: You have my personal assurance that I'm going to get your money back
TOMMY: and the drugs.
TOMMY: And I'm gonna mail you the dicks of those responsible.
SONNY: Hey, I already know that. You're not a fool Tommy,
SONNY: but I warn you, neither am I.
SONNY: If it was anybody else you'd be DEAD already.
SONNY: But because it's you, because we got history,
SONNY: I'm gonna let you handle this.
TOMMY: Look, Sonny, you got my word.
TOMMY: I'll be in touch.
===============================================================================
2. K E N R O S E N B E R G
===============================================================================
------------
a. THE PARTY
------------
KEN: Go get some sleep, he says -
KEN: I have been sitting in this chair all night with the lights off
KEN: drinking coffee!
KEN: This is a disaster. We are so screwed, man!
KEN: These gorillas, listen to me, are gonna come down here
KEN: and rip my head off. It's ridiculous!
KEN: I did NOT go to law school for this! Ok,
KEN: now what the hell are we gonna do?
TOMMY: Shut up, sit down, relax. I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
TOMMY: You're gonna find out who took our cocaine -
TOMMY: and then, I'm gonna kill them.
KEN: That's a good idea. That's a GREAT idea.
KEN: Let me think, let me think, let me think.
KEN: OH! There's this retired Colonel, Colonel Juan Garcia Cortez.
KEN: He's the one that helped me set up this deal
KEN: well away from Vice City's established thugs. Ok?
KEN: Now, listen. He's holding his party out in the bay
KEN: on his expensive yacht
KEN: and all of Vice City's big players are gonna be there. OK?
KEN: I have an invite, of course I have an invite,
KEN: but there's no way that I'm going out there,
KEN: sticking my head out the door - no way! Not gonna happen.
TOMMY: I told you, shut up! I'll go myself...
KEN: Ho - whoa, whoa! Hey, I like 1978 too,
KEN: but, y'know, this isn't gonna be a beer and strippers do.
KEN: I mean, no offense, but I think that you might turn heads
KEN: on the runway for the wrong reasons.
TOMMY: What's wrong with the way I'm dressed?
KEN: Ok, look, here. Stop by Rafael's, tell him I sent 'ya.
KEN: He'll make you look respectable.
KEN: OK, go, c'mon...
CORTEZ: Buenas noches.
CORTEZ: I understand you are here on the behalf of Mr. Rosenberg,
CORTEZ: I hope any recent problems have not affected his health, or uh,
CORTEZ: mental well being, Mr...uh?
TOMMY: Vercetti. He's just got a touch of...agoraphobia.
CORTEZ: Excellent, excellent. And you?
TOMMY: I just want my merchandise.
CORTEZ: Ah. It's an unfortunate set of circumstances for all involved.
CORTEZ: Of course I have initiated my own lines of inquiry,
CORTEZ: but such a delicate matter will take time.
CORTEZ: Perhaps we will talk later.
CORTEZ: Meanwhile, let me introduce you to my daughter,
CORTEZ: Mercedes!
CORTEZ: Caramia, could you look after our guest
CORTEZ: while I attend to my necessary obligations?
MERCEDES: Of course, daddy.
CORTEZ: Please excuse me.
TOMMY: Mercedes!?
MERCEDES: You try living with it.
MERCEDES: Anyway, let me point out some of our more distinguished guests...
MERCEDES: That's our congressman Alex Shrub with rising silicone star
MERCEDES: Candy Suxxx...
SHRUB: And have you met my lovely wife Laura? No?
SHRUB: Well, unfortunately she's in Alabama. This is Candy.
MERCEDES: And over there we have the Vice City Mambas' star tight end, BJ -
MERCEDES: always the charmer.
BJ: I blocked down on him and then I put him in a wheelchair!
AVERY: Haha, that is good!
AVERY: Well now, I'm looking at some prime real estate property.
MERCEDES: And that poolside amphibian is Jezz Torrent,
MERCEDES: lead singer with Love Fist.
JEZZ: Can I tell yous - do you know how they play ping-pong in Thailand?
JEZZ: Let me tell you's,
JEZZ: it does not involve a paddle, if you know what I mean!
MERCEDES: Impotent.
MERCEDES: And the chatty trio.
MERCEDES: That sleeping sweat gland is Papa's right hand gimp, Gonzalez
MERCEDES: and the other two are Pastor Richards
MERCEDES: and pseudo intellectual film director, Steve Scott.
STEVE: ...passion with the nympho invaders,
STEVE: when the giant shark comes in and
STEVE: just bites their dicks off!
STEVE: Ha now, you never saw anything like that before, have you?
DIAZ: Colonel!
DIAZ: your parties as ever are a triumph, hahahaha!
DIAZ: I can only apologize for my late arrival.
CORTEZ: Ah, de nada amigo. How do we find you?
DIAZ: Our business is very trying - barbarians at the gates.
DIAZ: A time for rewarding one's friends
DIAZ: and liquidating one's enemies, amigo.
TOMMY: Who's the loudmouth?
MERCEDES: Ricardo Diaz. He's Mr. Coke.
DIAZ: Mercedes!
MERCEDES: Oh, I was just taking my friend back into town.
MERCEDES: Another time, Ricardo!
MERCEDES: Let's get out of here.
MERCEDES: Actually, take me to the Pole Position club.
-------------------
b. BACK ALLEY BRAWL
-------------------
KEN: Ah! Well, I hope you're having a good time.
KEN: Because I'm going out of my mind with worry here. What did you find out?
TOMMY: That there are more criminals in this town than in prison.
TOMMY: We need a lead from the streets...
KEN: Ok, let me think, let me think, let me think -
KEN: AH! I've got it!
KEN: Ok, There's this limey, some music industry slimeball,
KEN: goes by the name of Kent Paul.
KEN: Anyway, he's got his nose so far up most of Vice City's ass
KEN: that if anybody knows the whereabouts of 20 k's of coke,
KEN: it's this guy, all right? He's always at The Malibu.
TOMMY: I'll go pay him a visit.
KEN: take it easy now.
PAUL: Where'd you pop up from?
PAUL: I've been looking for a bird like you for ages, mate...
TOMMY: I'm looking for some English guy...
PAUL: Kent Paul, mate. Yeah, I'm the guvnor 'round here.
PAUL: I sort things out, you know what I mean?
PAUL: I'll treat you. Whatever you want, I'll get you, girl.
PAUL: Don't you worry about a thing, mate.
TOMMY: Get lost, honey.
PAUL: Oi oi oi oi oi!
TOMMY: You Kent Paul? I'm a friend of Rosenberg's...
PAUL: Rosenberg...Rosenberg...Oh, that bonkers ambulance chaser!
PAUL: That guy could defend an innocent man all the way to death row!
PAUL: Give us another drink, bruv.
PAUL: Everybody's a comedian.
TOMMY: Listen to me, I'm missing twenty keys and a lot of cash...
PAUL: Drugs, mate? It's a mug's game.
TOMMY: What do you know about it?
PAUL: Oi oi! What I was coming to was,
PAUL: there's some chef-cum-trumpetshifter
PAUL: who deals out kitchen of a hotel on Ocean Drive.
PAUL: He's been looking real pleased with himself lately.
PAUL: You could go and check him out...?!
TOMMY: I will - and I'll be seeing you around.
PAUL: Yeah, that's right. Go on - walk away, you mug.
PAUL: I'll knock you spark out!
PAUL: Give me a drink - and where's that slut!
CHEF: Hey, whatchoo lookin' at?
TOMMY: You better start talking..
CHEF: Hey, make me, you prick!
LANCE: Oh, way to go, tough guy. Beat him to a pulp.
LANCE: That should make him real chatty.
TOMMY: You want some, too?
LANCE: Hey, chill. I want what you want, brother.
TOMMY: Oh, yeah? And what's that?
LANCE: Your green - and my dead brother's white lady.
LANCE: Unfortunately, you just silenced our lead.
TOMMY: Accidents happen. Get lost.
LANCE: Hey, hey, whoa. No need to go all 'Lone Ranger' on my ass.
LANCE: The way I see it - we two hombres in a strange town.
LANCE: We need to watch each other's back.
TOMMY: My back's just fine, brother...
LANCE: You sure about that? Here, take this.
LANCE: Follow me!
LANCE: We gotta get the hell outta here!
LANCE: One thing you gotta realize about this town. You gotta pack some heat.
LANCE: C'mon, the local gun shop's a couple of blocks away.
LANCE: Tommy, every man needs a little R&R once in a while.
LANCE: This here's the Pole Position Strip Club.
LANCE: You might want to drop in some time.
------------
c. JURY FURY
------------
KEN: Aaah! Oh, for god's sake, it's you! Oh, Jeez - I'm gonna need new pants!
KEN: Hey, those psychos from up north - they've been on the horn,
KEN: and they're coming down here soon.
KEN: Now where is the goddamn money?!
TOMMY: Relax, relax. We're not at that part yet.
KEN: Ohhh... I thought that you were taking care of this, I really did!
KEN: And now those guidos say we gotta do them a favor.
TOMMY: You mean I gotta do 'em a favor.
KEN: Oh, of course that's what I mean.
KEN: Do I look like I can intimidate a jury?
KEN: I couldn't intimidate a child - and believe me, I've tried.
KEN: Now, look. It's either that, or Forelli's cousin, Giorgio,
KEN: gets five years for fraud.
KEN: You gotta take these guys OUT!
TOMMY: I understand. Help the jury change their minds. Don't worry about it.
KEN: No no no no no - NO! I tried that. The jury case didn't go so well,
KEN: so MAKE them change their minds.
-------
d. RIOT
-------
KEN: Avery, it goes without saying... Tommy! Tommy! Any progress?
KEN: No, no, no - tell me later, tell me later.
KEN: Tommy, this is Avery Carrington - I believe you met at the party?
TOMMY: Not in person.
AVERY: Howdy.
KEN: Avery here has a proposition.
TOMMY: Haven't we got other things on our mind?
KEN: I'm trying to keep the wolves from the door,
KEN: so could you please cut me some slack?
KEN: I'm stretched like a wire and even if I'm dead by the end of the week,
KEN: I'd like to think that I didn't die poor.
AVERY: Now just calm down, both of you.
AVERY: Son, you help me and any greaseballs giving you a hard time,
AVERY: I'll see to it they take a long dirt nap.
TOMMY: Ok. What could I do for ya'?
AVERY: This delivery company's got its depot on some prime land.
AVERY: They won't sell.
AVERY: They're hanging on like a big old prairie rat,
AVERY: so we gotta go in there and smoke that vermin out.
AVERY: Head on down there and stir up a hornet's nest
AVERY: - the security will have their hands full
AVERY: and then you can sneak in and put 'em out of business.
KEN: And you could drop by Rafael's for a change of clothes.
KEN: You might be there a while, but yeah, go for it.
TOMMY: Should be a riot.
AVERY: If the balls drop like they should, stop by my office sometime...
===============================================================================
3. J U A N G A R C I A C O R T E Z
===============================================================================
--------------------
a. TREACHEROUS SWINE
--------------------
CORTEZ: Mr. Vercetti!
TOMMY: Colonel.
CORTEZ: Thank you for coming. Please sit. Lobster?
TOMMY: No - thanks.
CORTEZ: I'm ashamed to admit that one of the causes of our mutual problem
CORTEZ: appears to have been the loose tongue of a man I used to trust.
CORTEZ: I've been carrying Gonzalez for years,
CORTEZ: but now his incompetence reaches new heights!
CORTEZ: It is only right that you kill Gonzalez...
TOMMY: Did he do it? It's the money that's important to me.
CORTEZ: For this kindness I'll reward you,
CORTEZ: and then we will find your money together.
CORTEZ: He will be at his Penthouse, half drunk probably. Use this...
----------------
b. MALL SHOOTOUT
----------------
CORTEZ: Tommy! Come, join me.
CORTEZ: This looks delicious, huh? Tapia snout?
TOMMY: Uhhh... no, no. No, thanks.
CORTEZ: Tommy, you are like a pampas breeze
CORTEZ: that has freed me from the stench of corruption,
CORTEZ: although, I must appear to mourn his passing
CORTEZ: and carry on with business as usual.
TOMMY: This isn't getting me any closer to my money...
CORTEZ: Tommy, my friend, you are not in Liberty now.
CORTEZ: Here we do things differently.
CORTEZ: I will continue with my enquiries
CORTEZ: but in the meantime I have a valuable deal to close.
TOMMY: A favor for a friend, Cortez?
CORTEZ: You're a good friend, Tommy. I knew you would not let me down.
CORTEZ: I need you to meet a courier
CORTEZ: who has obtained some valuable technology for me...
COURIER: Ze rain, she is tres wet zis time of the year...
TOMMY: What?
COURIER: Ah, coment?
TOMMY: Look, Cortez sent me. Just give me the damn chips.
COURIER: Oh...d'accord.
COURIER: Freeze, imperialist American pig!
COURIER: Zat iz propertay of ze government Francais. 'And eet over!
------------------
c. GUARDIAN ANGELS
------------------
CORTEZ: Thomas, I appreciate your coming.
CORTEZ: Forgive me for getting straight to business.
CORTEZ: Diaz has asked me to oversee a minor business transaction.
TOMMY: Let's hope it goes better than last time, huh?
CORTEZ: Which is why I thought of you, my friend.
CORTEZ: I've dropped some protection at the multistory carpark.
CORTEZ: Pick it up - then go and watch over Diaz's men at the drop off.
CORTEZ: Gracias, amigo.
LANCE: Hogging all the action, I see...
TOMMY: Look, you wanna do something other than just shadowing me everywhere?
TOMMY: Why don't you come along and show me if you're any use.
LANCE: I might just do that. The name's Lance, by the way.
DIAZ: You must be Cortez's new gun.
TOMMY: Until more gainful opportunities arise.
LANCE: They'll be here any minute - we both better get a good vantage point...
LANCE: OK! I'll take the balcony, you get the roof across the yard.
DIAZ: MY MONEY!
DIAZ: Don't just stand there, you pricks, chase that Haitian dickhead down!
LANCE: Tommy! I'll stay here and watch over Diaz!
DIAZ: I live! Dickheads! And it's all down to you! What is your name?
TOMMY: Tommy.
DIAZ: I see you soon, amigo, I think!
TOMMY: Shit. Where's that guy Lance?
---------------
d. SIR, YES SIR
---------------
CORTEZ: Diaz was pleased, and would like to meet you again.
TOMMY: Is that a good thing?
CORTEZ: Of course!
CORTEZ: Although I'm starting to think that Diaz was responsible
CORTEZ: for our unfortunate loss...
TOMMY: What makes you say that?
CORTEZ: One does not wave accusations at a man like Diaz
CORTEZ: - I'm merely thinking out loud...
CORTEZ: No matter. I have a proposal that you could profit from...
TOMMY: I don't have time to run more errands, Cortez.
CORTEZ: I would have thought a man with such dangerous debts
CORTEZ: would be hungry for opportunities. Please, Tommy, at least hear me out.
TOMMY: Go on...
CORTEZ: I have a buyer for a piece of military hardware
CORTEZ: that is being taken through town. Pick it up for me...
CORTEZ: and once you get it, I want you to call me immediately, then...
--------------------
e. ALL HANDS ON DECK
--------------------
CORTEZ: Circumstances force a hasty departure, amigo.
TOMMY: What's the problem?
CORTEZ: Ehh, the French want their missile technology back
CORTEZ: and after that last incident,
CORTEZ: I feel it is time to find safer harbors.
TOMMY: Wouldn't it be safer to fly?
CORTEZ: I'd be dead before I reached check-in.
CORTEZ: Besides, I need to get my merchandise out of the country.
TOMMY: Need another gun?
CORTEZ: You, my friend, are worth ten guns...
CORTEZ: Thomas, you have protected and served me well.
CORTEZ: But now you must leave us before we reach the open seas.
CORTEZ: I will lower my personal launch.
CORTEZ: Keep it, my friend, a token of my gratitude.
TOMMY: Thank you, Colonel.
CORTEZ: One more request. While I'm away,
CORTEZ: could you keep an eye on Mercedes for me?
TOMMY: I think she could look after herself, but sure, I'll keep an eye out.
CORTEZ: Gracias, amigo. Hasta luego.
TOMMY: Adios, amigo.
===============================================================================
4. R I C A R D O D I A Z
===============================================================================
------------
a. THE CHASE
------------
DIAZ: Come on, baby, go! Yeah! Yeah! Arrrrr!
DIAZ: Stupid horse! I'll chop your head off! Grrrrr...
DIAZ: Who is this dickhead?
TOMMY: Tommy Vercetti. You remember me.
DIAZ: Excuse me. I'm a little anxious. Never trust a goddamn horse!
DIAZ: You do a good job - you work for me now.
TOMMY: I work for money.
DIAZ: As I said, amigo, you work for me now. Shut up.
DIAZ: Some Judas has betrayed me.
DIAZ: He thinks I don't know how much money I should be making,
DIAZ: but stealing 3% is as good as stealing 100%.
DIAZ: No one does this to me. NO ONE!!
DIAZ: You follow him from his apartment and you see where he goes!
DIAZ: Later, we will kill him.
GUY: Ooh shit!
GUY: Too slow grandad!
TOMMY: You better keep on running, asshole!
GUY: Loser.
-----------------
b. PHNOM PENH '86
-----------------
DIAZ: What kind of incompetent fool are you?
DIAZ: FOOL! FOOL! FOOL! FOOL!
DIAZ: Tommy!
TOMMY: What, Ricardo?
DIAZ: These idiots - they always trying to screw you.
DIAZ: That's the problem with this business.
DIAZ: What do you think you're doing?
DIAZ: These pricks have failed me miserably,
DIAZ: Soon any mom and pop will think they can sell gallo in Vice City.
DIAZ: What next, huh? The stinking Mafia?!
DIAZ: That gang place is a fortress at ground level,
DIAZ: so Quentin here - Quentin! QUENTIN!
DIAZ: He'll fly you over the area!
DIAZ: Eradicate them!
DIAZ: What do you think you're doing?
TOMMY: What are you doing here?
LANCE: Hey, I've been asking around and it's obvious
LANCE: that Diaz jumped the deal and iced my brother.
TOMMY: And he'll kill you, too!
LANCE: I can take Diaz!
TOMMY: No - listen to me! I'll handle Diaz -
TOMMY: he's beginning to trust me.
TOMMY: One thing puzzling me, What's with 'Quentin!?
LANCE: I dunno, I always kinda liked it...Quentin Vance...
TOMMY: Vance? Your name's Lance Vance?
LANCE: Hey! I got enough of that at school!
TOMMY: Lance Vance. Poor bastard.
TOMMY: Where the hell are we headed anyway?
LANCE: Prawn Island.
LANCE: You ever fired one of those from a whirly?
TOMMY: No. I'll get a bit of practice on the way though.
LANCE: Ok, we're almost there.
LANCE: We'll make a couple of passes.
LANCE: So take out as many guns as you can.
LANCE: Then I'll set you down and you're on your way.
LANCE: Damn! This is a war zone! Take out some of those gunmen!
LANCE: We're taking hits here, man!
LANCE: This thing ain't cheap to fix! Take them out!
LANCE: Ok, you're on your own from here! Good luck, brother!
-------------------
c. THE FASTEST BOAT
-------------------
DIAZ: Not so pleased with your selves NOW, huh!
DIAZ: Ahahahahaa, Ahahahahaa.
TOMMY: Whoa! Watch where you're waving that thing!
DIAZ: No more pigeon shit on MY car, eh Tommy!
TOMMY: Guess not.
DIAZ: You're damn right. Now listen,
DIAZ: you know who owns the fastest boat on the east coast?
TOMMY: Not off hand, no.
DIAZ: ME. And I want it to stay that way.
DIAZ: Every smuggler from here to Caracas has one dream, a faster boat.
DIAZ: Rumor has it the boatyard has just completed such a vessel.
DIAZ: for some Costa Rican dickhead.
DIAZ: And Tommy...I WANT THAT BOAT!!!
DIAZ: Ah! I thought I got you. Where'd you come from?
DIAZ: Pigeons! Boom! Aaaaah!
TOMMY: I think your pigeons are back.
--------------------
d. SUPPLY AND DEMAND
--------------------
DIAZ: Eject! PLASTIC CRAP!
DIAZ: You doing this to me?
DIAZ: Who do you think you are, you piece of plastic SHIT? Aaarrgh!
DIAZ: SCREW YOU!
DIAZ: It eats my favorite El burro movie, it die!
DIAZ: What else could I do?
TOMMY: It's probably not plugged in.
DIAZ: What?
DIAZ: Damn - no matter, I can buy a hundred more.
DIAZ: Now Tommy,
DIAZ: each month a freelancer sails into Vice City and moors his yacht.
DIAZ: He sells his cargo to the first boat.
DIAZ: I want you to take the speedboat
DIAZ: and beat all the other shitheads to it,
DIAZ: then you bring the cargo here, ok!?
TOMMY: Let me guess, you thought I could use a guardian angel.
LANCE: I'm just saying you need to let me in there, my man.
LANCE: Now you can feed me all this 'lonely tough guy' crap,
LANCE: but I know one day I'm gonna save your ass,
LANCE: and you're probably gonna wanna kiss me!
TOMMY: Wacko.
LANCE: Hahahahahaha!
LANCE: So Tommy, we know it was Diaz busted our deal..
LANCE: So why the hell are we running errands for him?
TOMMY: The more we learn now,
TOMMY: the less we have to learn when we take this town over!
LANCE: I like your style, man. Real fresh.
LANCE: Good shooting, my friend. You're a real, proper, grade A lunatic.
TOMMY: Well, thank you.
LANCE: See you around, Tommy.
TOMMY: Okay, Mr. Lance Vance Dance.
===============================================================================
5. K E N T P A U L
===============================================================================
------------
a. DEATH ROW
------------
PAUL: Awright mush, I'm gonna save your Vera, mate.
TOMMY: What the hell are you talking about?
PAUL: You know that wanker Diaz, the Bugle Master.
PAUL: He's got your boy, Lance. Word is your mate tried to jump him...
PAUL: didn't jump high enough if you know what I mean.
TOMMY: Where did he take him? In plain English?
PAUL: Keep your barnet on! They got him across town at the junkyard.
PAUL: Bloody hell....you nutter!
TOMMY: There goes my careful planning blown to shit, thanks to you.
TOMMY: You screwed up real good, Lance!
LANCE: He killed my brother. What do you expect me to do, mow his lawns?
TOMMY: We're gonna have to take out that prick Diaz before he takes us out.
TOMMY: You ok to use a gun?
LANCE: Sure...I guess...nice to see you, too.
TOMMY: Let's get out of here.
TOMMY: Get patched up and meet me on the bridge to Star Island, ok?
LANCE: Ok, I got you.
===============================================================================
6. V E R C E T T I E S T A T E
===============================================================================
----------
a. RUB OUT
----------
LANCE: I got us some cannons in the trunk.
TOMMY: Holy shit! Where'd you get all this stuff?
LANCE: Been saving it for a rainy day.
LANCE: You like?
TOMMY: Yeah, I like.
TOMMY: DIAZ?! I've come to take over your business!
DIAZ: TOMMY! You betrayed me, you idiot! I'm gonna kill you real soon..
DIAZ: You stupid pricks...
DIAZ: my beautiful house
DIAZ: look what you've done to it!
LANCE: This is for my brother!
DIAZ: I trusted you, Tommy.
DIAZ: I woulda had you made...
LANCE: Say goodnight, Mr. Diaz.
------------
b. SHAKEDOWN
------------
KEN: Oh, we gotta redecorate this place. We gotta make it look older.
KEN: I can't stand this look. Tommy, whadaya say?
KEN: Whadaya say we put a bar in...
TOMMY: You're my lawyer, Rosenberg, not my interior decorator. Got it?
TOMMY: Listen to me,
TOMMY: The time to take over this town is now.
TOMMY: It's all out there waiting for us.
LANCE: We need to start seizing territory,
LANCE: let Vice City know we're the new players in town, know what I'm saying?
AVERY: What you need is a legitimate front Tommy, real estate.
AVERY: It's never done me no harm.
LANCE: We need to start using some muscle
LANCE: or we can kiss all that hard work goodbye.
LANCE: Local businesses know Diaz is dead,
LANCE: and they're refusing to pay protection!
KEN: Ooh! We could try bribery...
TOMMY: Bribery? Screw bribery! I'll show you how to make 'em scared!
TOMMY: I'll be back here in five minutes...
------------
c. BAR BRAWL
------------
TOMMY: What's the problem?
LANCE: Some bar is refusing to pay.
LANCE: They reckon they're protected by a local gang of thugs.
LANCE: But don't worry Tommy, I can handle it.
TOMMY: You call this handling it?
TOMMY: You two, off your asses...
TOMMY: Let's go.
TOMMY: Get in the car, useless.
TOMMY: Your protection needs a little more protection.
OWNER: Aw hell, not again! I don't need this crap!
OWNER: These idiots operate out of DBP Security around the block.
OWNER: You guys just sort it out amongst yourselves.
TOMMY: I'll be seeing you later.
OWNER: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
----------
d. COPLAND
----------
LANCE: You moron! What were you thinking?!
LANCE: Do you realize what this means?!
LANCE: We could all be sunk!
MIKE: The timer must have got screwed.
MIKE: That place was wired to go up like a firework factory.
MIKE: Then somebody tipped off the cops...
TOMMY: what's the problem, fellas?
LANCE: Mike was supposed to torch some place in the mall,
LANCE: but he screwed the fuses and now the cops are crawling all over it.
LANCE: We gotta get our stuff and get out of here!
TOMMY: Relax, both of you, let me think for a second!
TOMMY: Tommy Vercetti just doesn't cut and run.
TOMMY: The cops are gonna be going over that building
TOMMY: with a fine toothed comb, right?
TOMMY: But that takes time.
TOMMY: We gotta go in and torch that place ourselves.
LANCE: Yeah, but...
MIKE: No one but a cop could get within a mile of that place!
TOMMY: So we go as cops.
TOMMY: We gotta get uniforms - and we're gonna need a squad car.
TOMMY: All thanks to you Mike.
MIKE: I'm sorry.
LANCE: I got it.
LANCE: What we got to do is lure the cops in with the finger,
LANCE: put them in a lock-up
LANCE: and jump 'em.
TOMMY: Good plan. Let's go!
MIKE: Alright.
TOMMY: Ok Lance, let's get the cops' attention!
LANCE: Tie 'em up and gag 'em!
LANCE: Ooo. Fits perfectly!
TOMMY: bit tight around the crotch though...
LANCE: Oh yeah yeah, mine too. Mine too.
TOMMY: Remember - smile at the other cops
LANCE: Hey there officer. Nice badge, nice badge.
TOMMY: Real smooth, Lance.
LANCE: Ok, timers are set, 5 seconds and ticking.
TOMMY: 5 seconds?!! We got to get the hell out of here!
===============================================================================
8. F I N A L M I S S I O N S
===============================================================================
--------------------
a. CAP THE COLLECTOR
--------------------
TOMMY: Ok, what's the emergency?
KELLY: Tommy...some mob thugs ...said they'd come to take their cut...
KELLY: ...said it was a Mr. Forello's money...I feel like crap.
TOMMY: Forelli? SONNY Forelli?
KELLY: Yeah, that's the guy...I think...they were very insistent...
TOMMY: I'm not angry with you.
TOMMY: Get him to the hospital.
KELLY: Tommy...rip that guy a new asshole for me...
TOMMY: I'm gonna rip him two!
--------------------------
b. KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE
--------------------------
TOMMY: What's going on?
KEN: Tommy! Oh good, good. Listen, listen. Uh, listen,
KEN: I like fish. I love fish.
KEN: I love them as pets in bowls, or as food on a plate,
KEN: but as much as I love em, I don't want to sleep with them.
KEN: Okay, but right now your Italian brothers are coming from up there
KEN: to fit me with some cement shoes, and I...
TOMMY: Shut up Ken. Sit down.
TOMMY: Lance, what the hell's going on?
LANCE: It's your friends up north Tommy.
LANCE: They ain't too happy you capped their man.
LANCE: They're coming down to see the business today.
TOMMY: They took longer than I thought...
TOMMY: Guys, we gotta make this final
TOMMY: we gotta leave no doubt that this is my operation. Mine!
TOMMY: Ken, you get the first run of counterfeit cash
TOMMY: and put three mil in briefcases.
TOMMY: Lance, you get the guys together...
SONNY: Tommy!
SONNY: What? No big hugs for your old buddy?
TOMMY: I've had fifteen years out of the loop,
TOMMY: I'm a bit rusty on family etiquette.
SONNY: Always angry, eh Tommy.
SONNY: Didn't I say your temper would get you into trouble, huh?
TOMMY: There's three mil in the cases...
SONNY: How many was it? Ten? No, eleven men.
SONNY: That's how you get to be called the Harwood Butcher! Heh-heh-heh!
TOMMY: You sent me to kill one man, ONE MAN. They knew I was coming Sonny...
SONNY: Tommy, Tommy, watch your tone.
SONNY: Anyone would think you blame me
SONNY: for that unfortunate set of circumstances.
TOMMY: Just take the money...
TOMMY: Get the damn cash.
SONNY: You know, Tommy? I did what I could for you,
SONNY: I pulled strings, called in favors.
SONNY: I was your friend, Tommy.
SONNY: I hoped you'd see sense, see what's good for business.
SONNY: I trusted you, Tommy, and you disappointed me.
SONNY: But at least someone in your chicken shit organization
SONNY: knows how to do business,
SONNY: Isn't that right, Lance?
LANCE: I'm sorry Tommy. This is Vice City. This is business.
TOMMY: You sold us out...
LANCE: No. I sold YOU out, Tommy, I sold YOU out.
LANCE: The real cash is upstairs in the safe.
SONNY: Tommy, what was the big plan?
SONNY: You think I'd just take the fake cash?
SONNY: Save face and run away with my tail between my legs?!
TOMMY: No.
TOMMY: I just wanted to piss you off before I kill you.
LANCE: No one to cover your ass now, eh Tommy?
TOMMY: you're going down, you back stabbing prick!
LANCE: Oh you think so?
TOMMY: Come here you double-crossing piece of shit!
LANCE: You're history, Tommy, history
TOMMY: This is the last dance for lance vance!
LANCE: I said I had enough of that at school!
TOMMY: You picked the wrong side, Lance...
TOMMY: You took fifteen years from me Sonny...
TOMMY: And now I'm gonna make you pay!
SONNY: You still don't get it do you!
SONNY: I OWN you, Tommy.
SONNY: Those fifteen years were mine to spend!
SONNY: Get him boys, he never understood a thing.
KEN: Tommy?
KEN: Oh my god, Tommy! What happened?
TOMMY: What does it look like?
KEN: It looks like you ruined your suit!
KEN: and Tommy, that was a beautiful suit! Tommy, what on earth happened?
TOMMY: I had a disagreement with a business associate, you know how it is.
KEN: Tommy, I have a disagreement, I send them an angry letter.
KEN: Maybe I pee in their mailbox. I don't start World War III.
KEN: You know, maybe you should speak to my shrink...
TOMMY: That stupid prick, Lance...
KEN: Tommy. I never liked that guy, okay?
KEN: He's neurotic, he's insecure, he's self-centered - the guy's an asshole!
KEN: I'm glad you took him out!
TOMMY: I don't think we're gonna be getting
TOMMY: any more heat from up north either...
TOMMY: ...'cause there ain't no 'up north', anymore.
TOMMY: It's all down south now.
KEN: Wait, does that mean what I think it means..? Tommy, baby!
TOMMY: What do you think it means?
KEN: That we're in charge... I mean, that you're in charge. Oh, Tommy!
TOMMY: You know, Ken.
TOMMY: I think this could be the beginning
TOMMY: of a beautiful business relationship....
TOMMY: After all, you're a conniving, backstabbing, two-bit thief
TOMMY: and I'm a convicted psychotic killer and drug dealer.
KEN: hehehe
KEN: I know. Ain't it just beautiful?
===============================================================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IV. S I D E M I S S I O N S S C R I P T
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
===============================================================================
1. A V E R Y C A R R I N G T O N
===============================================================================
------------
a. FOUR IRON
------------
AVERY: Come in and park yourself on the hide, son.
AVERY: Hell, my daddy used to say, never look a gift horse in the mouth,
AVERY: and by golly, he never did.
AVERY: Would you like a drop of the old Kentucky?
TOMMY: No thanks.
AVERY: A clean thinker! I like that.
AVERY: Now, the property business isn't all about high-falootin' paper pushing.
AVERY: It's about dirt! And the will to claim that dirt! You with me, son?
TOMMY: Oh yeah.
AVERY: Well, I need some tenacious bastard to let go of some dirt,
AVERY: and you look to me like the kind of guy to persuade him.
TOMMY: Persuasion's my forte.
AVERY: Yeh, he'll be down at the country club, down on the golf course.
AVERY: They don't allow guns, so his bodyguards won't be packing lawgivers.
AVERY: Go beat eight tons of crap out of him.
AVERY: Here now - I got you a membership,
AVERY: and boy you're going to need more appropriate clothing.
-----------------
b. DEMOLITION MAN
-----------------
AVERY: Now look here, son.
AVERY: I got a problem and I reckon you could help me with it.
TOMMY: I'm no builder.
AVERY: No, I was thinking more of your demolition skills.
AVERY: Now this here, this is the development as planned and this,
AVERY: this is the property that we're looking at.
TOMMY: You're trying to say this new office block is kind of in the way.
AVERY: You catch on quick.
AVERY: Now I'm going to head out of town for a while
AVERY: and if that office development were to face sudden
AVERY: and insurmountable structural problems, then I..
TOMMY: As a civil minded individual you'd feel obliged to step in and
TOMMY: save the rejuvenation of an important area of the city?
AVERY: Where can I get more guys like you!?
--------------
c. TWO BIT HIT
--------------
AVERY: Tommy, this is Donald Love. Donald, this here is Tommy Vercetti,
AVERY: the latest gunslinger to come to these parts.
DONALD: Yeh...uh...
AVERY: Donald, you just shut up and listen, and you might learn something.
AVERY: Now, nothing brings down real estate prices
AVERY: quicker than a good old-fashioned gang war
AVERY: 'cept maybe a disaster, like a biblical plague or something,
AVERY: but, that may be going too far in this case.
AVERY: You getting this down, you four-eyed prick?
AVERY: Now recently a Haitian gang lord died.
AVERY: Apparently the Cubans did it, nobody's certain.
AVERY: But let's make them certain! You disguise yourself as a Cuban hombre,
AVERY: and head on down to crash that funeral.
AVERY: Mix it up, and then high tail it.
AVERY: You getting this down, Donald?
AVERY: Well, that ought to put the coyote in the chicken coop, huh?
AVERY: And then we'll just sit back, and watch the prices tumble.
===============================================================================
2. L O V E F I S T
===============================================================================
-------------
a. LOVE JUICE
-------------
JEZZ: AllllllllRrrighttt!
PAUL: Yessss! Brilliant, bloody brilliant!
PAUL: Hey, Tommy! Glad you could make it.
PAUL: Hey, you ever met Love Fist before?
TOMMY: No, I haven't but I've always loved your music.
PAUL: Let me introduce you to the band.
PAUL: This is Percy, Dick, and Willy's in the kaze,
PAUL: and that was Jezz in the booth earlier,
PAUL: and guys, I want you to meet a good friend of mine.
PAUL: This is Tommy. We go way back.
JEZZ: All right, pal.
JEZZ: And eh, what was your name again?
PAUL: Leave it out, Jezz you, remember
PAUL: don't be playing them games with me, mate,
PAUL: I'm too crafty for that, sunshine!
PAUL: You see, the thing is, Tom, the boys need some help.
PAUL: They ain't too connected here,
PAUL: they don't have the old 'how's your father?'
JEZZ: We need some drugs, pal!
JEZZ: Gonna get on the old Love Fist fury, you know?!
TOMMY: Well, this is Vice City, man. What's the problem?
PERCY: We need Love Juice, man, you know?
DICK: Love Juice, man!
TOMMY: Love Juice?
JEZZ: Aye, two parts boomshine, 1 part trumpet,
JEZZ: 5 fizz bombs and a liter of petrol.
PERCY: Can you help us out, pal?
PAUL: Aw, it would really mean a lot to the boys.
PAUL: You can do that for the boys, right?
----------------
b. PSYCHO KILLER
----------------
PAUL: Tommy, man. Am I glad to see you!
TOMMY: What's going on?
JEZZ: Bad vibes, Tommy....
PERCY: Aye, I'm not joking, it's heavy stuff man, heavy you know?
JEZZ: There's this cat, we hardly know him, but he knows us.
JEZZ: Like this cat. Knows all about us.
JEZZ: Knows that Willy likes his ladies' underwear, eh!
JEZZ: Or that Percy likes Duran Duran!
PERCY: Shut up ye fool. Just 'cause Jezz bangs sheep.
PERCY: It's a love rocket thing, you know?
PAUL: Oi shut it!
JEZZ: Yeah, the love rocket thing, right. But listen, this cat...
PAUL: yeh, yeh, the guy, he wants Love Fist dead.
PAUL: Dead Tommy.
PAUL: Love Fist gone. You know what they say, the good die young.
PAUL: but Tommy, you gotta save Love Fist!
JEZZ: We got a signing in two hours and I think...
PAUL: And the boys think the stalker's gonna try some monkey business there.
-----------------
c. PUBLICITY TOUR
-----------------
JEZZ: Tommy! Tommy! Tommy, man, that psycho's back!
TOMMY: What's going on?
PAUL: That psycho won't leave Love Fist alone!
JEZZ: You didn't kill him man. And now he's back.
PAUL: Yeah, yeah, yeah, and the thing is...
JEZZ: The thing is, we need someone to drive the limo we can trust,
JEZZ: cause that nutter keeps making threats!
PERCY: I'm shitin' masel' man. I need ma ma!
DICK: We're all bricking ourselves, man.
TOMMY: Okay guys, calm down, I'll handle this.
TOMMY: Normally I wouldn't busy myself with driving around
TOMMY: a bunch of drunken Scottish bisexuals,
TOMMY: but, in your case I'll make an exception.
PERCY: At last man, time for a well earned drink.
DICK: The venue's just a hundred yards down the road.
PERCY: Better make it a large one then. Hey Tommy, change the tunes, man.
JEZZ: I get confused if my head ain't banging.
JEZZ: Ah look, what's this? Hey Tommy, stick this tape on.
PSYCHO: Love Fist. Your time polluting the airwaves is over.
PSYCHO: I gave you the chance to be friends.
PSYCHO: Now, I'm giving you the chance to die.
PSYCHO: Try to slow down and your limousine will explode,
PSYCHO: along with your BIG, HAIRY ARSES!
===============================================================================
3. M I T C H B A K E R
===============================================================================
------------------------
a. ALLOY WHEELS OF STEEL
------------------------
TOMMY: Where's Baker?
TOMMY: I'm looking for Big Mitch Baker...
BAKER: Who's lookin'?
TOMMY: Tommy Vercetti.
BAKER: Vercetti.
BAKER: You don't look like the law, so that's bought you a minute.
BAKER: You better talk fast.
TOMMY: Kent Paul said you might be interested in pulling security
TOMMY: for a gig he's got set up.
BAKER: Kent Paul? Sheesh! No wonder he sent ya.
BAKER: The last time he was here he left through the window
BAKER: in nothing but his limey birthday suit.
TOMMY: Are you interested or not?
BAKER: We only do favors for our own.
TOMMY: How do I join?
BAKER: This ain't no country club, boy. Can you handle a bike?
TOMMY: Can you sit on a stool and drink?
BAKER: Cougar, Zeppelin, go see how this girl handles a bike...
BIKER: All right, fancy clothes. Let's see what you can do.
-----------------------
b. MESSING WITH THE MAN
-----------------------
BAKER: Ah, got ya again.
BAKER: Hey Vercetti.
BAKER: Cougar says you can handle a bike pretty good.
TOMMY: Yeah, how many more errands am I gonna to have to run?
TOMMY: I'm a very busy man.
TOMMY: If it's a fight that's gonna settle this then bring it on.
BAKER: Being one of us ain't just about brawlin'.
BAKER: It's about being part of a family.
TOMMY: Yeah, I've been part of a family before alright. It didn't work out.
BAKER: Yeah, right, but this family takes care of its own.
BAKER: We don't ask a man to do the dirty work
BAKER: and then let him do fifteen years hard time.
BAKER: Yeah, that's right. I've done my homework.
BAKER: This here's the biggest family of misfits, outcasts and badasses.
BAKER: Hell, some of us has even been betrayed by our own country.
TOMMY: I was locked up during 'Nam. Ugly business.
BAKER: Which is why I'm gonna ask you to go mess with the man.
BAKER: This whole damn country needs a kick in the ass,
BAKER: and we're the ones to deliver it.
BAKER: So get out there, grab a bike and show this city how pissed you are!
TOMMY: Alright, alright.
-----------
c. HOG TIED
-----------
TOMMY: Hey there, Mitch.
BAKER: Well, if it ain't 'bad ass' Vercetti.
BAKER: Now I wanna see how good you can fight for your patch.
BAKER: A local street gang made the mistake of stealing my hog...
BAKER: probably because of some machismo thing or somethin'.
BAKER: Me and the boys would go over there
BAKER: and teach them a lesson in respect an'all.
BAKER: Anyways.
BAKER: Then I got to thinking - this would make a good initiation for you.
BAKER: You get my bike back, you can tell Paul he's got his security.
===============================================================================
4. A U N T I E P O U L E T
===============================================================================
----------------
a. JUJU SCRAMBLE
----------------
TOMMY: Hello? Hello?
AUNTIE: Come in, my dear, and rest your soul.
AUNTIE: You must be the big bad man me grandaddy been chattin' 'bout.
AUNTIE: Tells me tings about you, you know, when he visits,
AUNTIE: and about the others who wait for you.
AUNTIE: Now, we all dead for long time, but you,
AUNTIE: I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, ha ha ha ha ha!
TOMMY: I got a message to come here.
AUNTIE: Can you hear dem?
AUNTIE: Dem callin' your name, boy, must want you pretty bad, don't ya tink?
AUNTIE: Now you do old Aunite Poulet a turn, huh, maybe she help you.
AUNTIE: Maybe she can give you a little juju after all of dis.
AUNTIE: Give you some magic to give the law man the stink eye, hmmmmm?
TOMMY: Look, this is all very, um... give me what?
TOMMY: I,I, I think I've got the wrong address...
AUNTIE: Do me these tings, Tommy......
AUNTIE: The Cubans, nasty proud foofoos, mmm,
AUNTIE: been making my lovely Haitian boys shake de heads.
AUNTIE: Now they told the policeman where me been stashing my powders.
AUNTIE: Dey tink it drugs, them stupid.
AUNTIE: Now be a good boy Tommy and go and get the powders for Auntie Poulet.
TOMMY: Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
--------------
b. BOMBS AWAY!
--------------
TOMMY: Oh, sorry, I - I must have the wrong address...
AUNTIE: Well, you might as well come in and rest your soles and have some tea.
AUNTIE: Do you have something there for me, Tommy?
TOMMY: Yeah...
TOMMY: This place feels familiar to me,
TOMMY: uh - it's - a smell from childhood - a deja vu...
AUNTIE: Now Tommy, I'm going to whisper a lickle errand for you.
AUNTIE: Hear me well, aye?
TOMMY: You look like someone I, I...
AUNTIE: The Cubans have fast boats they use to cross the seas with drugs.
AUNTIE: It is their livelihood.
AUNTIE: Me nephew bin making lickle flying bombs to take dem out.
AUNTIE: Blow de boats to coffin wood.
TOMMY: Thanks for the tea.
-----------------
c. DIRTY LICKIN'S
-----------------
TOMMY: Hello? Hello
TOMMY: uh..I'm looking for somebody around here...
AUNTIE: You looking hungry, Tommy.
TOMMY: Do I know you?
AUNTIE: Hush now.
AUNTIE: One more ting an I can let you go, Tommy.
AUNTIE: My boys gone war wit dem Cuban boys.
AUNTIE: But no guns.
AUNTIE: Hmm, but de Cubans have a surprise comin'.
AUNTIE: While they fight in de streets,
AUNTIE: you take this rifle and kill dem in de hubbub.
AUNTIE: No one sees you, no one hear you.
AUNTIE: Now, Tommy, you do this for me,
AUNTIE: and you no longer tied to my apron strings.
TOMMY: Kay auntie..
===============================================================================
5. U M B E R T O R O B I N A
===============================================================================
-----------------------
a. STUNT BOAT CHALLENGE
-----------------------
ALBERTO: Si, men?
UMBERTO: Hey, easy Papi, this man's for me. You, you the boy?
UMBERTO: Oh yeh. You the boy. I think so, you know?
TOMMY: No. I don't think I do.
UMBERTO: Oh yeah? You come here, tough guy.
UMBERTO: You think you can take me on?
UMBERTO: You think you can play stupid with me?
TOMMY: No, I think you're playing plenty stupid enough for both of us.
ALBERTO: Hey, he call you dumb, son.
UMBERTO: And I call him a little girl, Papi.
UMBERTO: Look at him, all dressed up like that.
UMBERTO: What is this, ladies night?
UMBERTO: You some kind of tough guy, you dress like a woman?
UMBERTO: You got on panties like a woman too, huh?
TOMMY: What you got against women? You prefer men, big boy?
UMBERTO: I like women! I like all women! I love my mother, chico!
TOMMY: Alright, alright, I'll take your word for it. Relax.
UMBERTO: Can you drive, amigo?
TOMMY: Yeah... like a woman.
UMBERTO: Very funny. I like you, big boy. Maybe you can help.
UMBERTO: Maybe you can prove you a man. Huh?
UMBERTO: Take out the boat.
UMBERTO: Show me you got some big cojones,
UMBERTO: and not some little bitty chiquita ones.
RICO: Hey, I'm Rico. You the man with the big cojones?
RICO: Ok man, treat her like a woman.
----------------
b. CANNON FODDER
----------------
TOMMY: Un cafecito, por favor, Alberto..
ALBERTO: No hay problema, Tommy.
UMBERTO: Papi! Un gran problema!
ALBERTO: Umberto my son, what happened?
UMBERTO: The Haitians! I hate these Haitians!
UMBERTO: They mess with me for the last time!
UMBERTO: These Haitians! We take 'em out!
UMBERTO: Only we need some backup.
UMBERTO: I lost a few hermanos already out there.
UMBERTO: Amigo, you drive good!
TOMMY: For a woman. Right?
UMBERTO: This is no time for joking!
UMBERTO: Come on, drive for me again!
UMBERTO: Take my boys over there, and then we'll take these Haitians down!
UMBERTO: They mess with me, they mess with the biggest boy in town!
-------------------
c. NAVAL ENGAGEMENT
-------------------
TOMMY: Alberto. Una cafe, senor.
UMBERTO: Poppa, don't serve this snake in the straw.
UMBERTO: You're two-faced, Tommy!
UMBERTO: You're either two-faced, or you're a wimp, baby boy!
UMBERTO: The Haitians, man. They're laughing at me!
TOMMY: Easy, easy. What's your problem?
UMBERTO: They're laughing at me, Tommy. At me!
UMBERTO: Umberto Robina! They're doing whatever they like!
TOMMY: Nobody does whatever they like, Umberto, they do what you let them do.
UMBERTO: What?
TOMMY: You want somebody taken care of?
TOMMY: I can handle it, but it's gonna cost you.
TOMMY: I know we're brothers and all, but this is business.
UMBERTO: Tommy. You a real man. Businessman, a gentleman.
UMBERTO: These Haitians.
UMBERTO: They have a load of product coming in off shore, really good stuff.
UMBERTO: We take it, and we finish them.
UMBERTO: You take it, and I look after you. Like my brother. Like my son.
TOMMY: I think I prefer the cash to being bounced on your knee, amigo.
----------------
d. TROJAN VOODOO
----------------
UMBERTO: Hey, ladies. You know what I'm gonna do?
UMBERTO: I'm gonna kill me a Haitian. And then?
UMBERTO: And then I'm going to make love like a man.
UMBERTO: You know that, chica? Something like this.
WOMAN1: Loser!
WOMAN2: Prick.
UMBERTO: Hey, baby, I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole!
UMBERTO: Umberto Robina, he likes the ladies! Not some goat in a skirt!
UMBERTO: Tommy!! Tommy, I love you, I love you! Let's go!
TOMMY: Go where? Can't I get a cup of coffee first?
UMBERTO: No time for coffee! Besides, I just had one.
UMBERTO: We gonna take out the Haitians.
UMBERTO: Tommy, how do you take out a snake?
UMBERTO: You bite him in the ass! Hahaha!
TOMMY: Whatever you say, Umberto.
UMBERTO: Tommy, you go and get us a little Haitian car.
UMBERTO: When you get it, come back and pick up my boy.
UMBERTO: Pepe, and take him out to the Haitians.
UMBERTO: Then, you go around to the Haitians processing plant,
UMBERTO: and you use their solvent as an explosive.
UMBERTO: Boom! Bye bye!
TOMMY: Umberto, what about you?
UMBERTO: Uhh... I'm going to stay behind, and watch over the cafe with Poppa.
UMBERTO: He not feeling so good. You know?
===============================================================================
6. P H I L C A S S I D Y
===============================================================================
-------------
a. GUN RUNNER
-------------
TOMMY: Phil?
PHIL: RUN!
PHIL: Run!
PHIL: Hoooooweeeeee!
PHIL: Never get a naked flame
PHIL: too close to one of Phil Cassidy's Boomshine stills!
TOMMY: Shit Phil, you drink that stuff?
PHIL: Hell, you don't have to drink it
PHIL: just a good whiff will set you off. Hoowwee!
TOMMY: Listen Phil, you said you could fix me up with some firepower...
PHIL: Sure thing.
PHIL: There's some Mexican gun-runner been doing me for business of late.
PHIL: He does his weekly run about now.
PHIL: Ram his hardware off the back of his trucks before he goes to ground.
PHIL: And you'd be doing me a favor while you're at it.
PHIL: Then finish him off.
-------------------
b. BOOMSHINE SAIGON
-------------------
TOMMY: Hey Phil, how's it goin?
PHIL: Heeyyyy, Tommy. Howyadoin'? Ish been too long...
TOMMY: I swear you should lay off that boomshine, man,
TOMMY: smells like paint stripper. Making my eyes burn...
PHIL: Shshs shhh youshelf Tommy,
PHIL: and come over here because there's someshin'
PHIL: I wanna show you.. someshin.
TOMMY: Woof! God! Should I be able to smell that from way over here?
TOMMY: I'm feeling woozy.
PHIL: Don'tchaworry about the shmell Tommy, you jush wash thish.
PHIL: Shitty-cheap-batteriesh or shumin'. There'sh shum more on the bench.
PHIL: TA-DAAA!
PHIL: Aww Damn!
PHIL: Ha ha ha ha ha!
===============================================================================
7. A S S A S S I N A T I O N M I S S I O N S
===============================================================================
------------
a. ROAD KILL
------------
CALLER: Mr. Teal, your help in eradicating those out-of-towners
CALLER: was invaluable to business. I have more work for you
CALLER: with a more 'hands-on' approach.
CALLER: Your next job is taped under the phone.
-----------------
b. WASTE THE WIFE
-----------------
CALLER: My compliments on a job well done Mr. Teal. My client was very pleased.
CALLER: I have more work for you with a more 'hands-on' approach.
CALLER: Your next job is taped under the phone.
-----------
c. AUTOCIDE
-----------
CALLER: A European gang plans to hit a bank in Vice City.
CALLER: My employers would rather this didn't happen.
CALLER: Each member of the gang has a cover while they are here in Vice City.
CALLER: Some have menial jobs, others are on vacation.
CALLER: Each target and their likely whereabouts are taped under the phone.
----------------------------
d. CHECK OUT AT THE CHECK IN
----------------------------
CALLER: Time to fry bigger fish, Mr. Teal.
CALLER: There's a rifle in the foliage to your right.
CALLER: Watch the woman standing on the balcony above the check-in desks.
CALLER: She will walk through the crowd and ask someone the time.
CALLER: You must kill that person, retrieve his case
CALLER: and take it to the location taped under the phone.
-------------
e. LOOSE ENDS
-------------
CALLER: There is a valuable exchange taking place on the roof
CALLER: of the Cherry Popper Ice Cream Company.
CALLER: Kill everyone involved, steal the merchandise and
CALLER: take it to the helipad at the airport.
CALLER: There is a gate to your left that leads to the back of the factory.
===============================================================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
V. ASSET MISSION SCRIPTS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
===============================================================================
1. S U N S H I N E A U T O S
===============================================================================
BJ: B.J. Smith. And you must be Mr. Vercetti.
BJ: Would you like the tour?
TOMMY: Might as well.
BJ: Well, I'm very sad to be selling the dealership to y'all.
BJ: This was my first investment after I turned pro.
BJ: But now it's time for me to move on.
TOMMY: You're leaving town?
TOMMY: Not in too much of a hurry, I hope?
BJ: No. I'm just coming out of retirement,
BJ: and preparing for my future comeback.
BJ: The business wasn't too strong,
BJ: and my staff took it upon themselves to get a bit more
BJ: creative with the generation of wealth.
BJ: Obviously, I could wind down the business before I hand it over.
BJ: Hell, I could burn the place down if I wanted to.
BJ: This is prime development land.
TOMMY: Oh, I wouldn't worry about any of that.
TOMMY: This place seems perfect.
BJ: Yeh it does, So I take it we have a deal?
===============================================================================
2. C H E R R Y P O P P E R I C E C R E A M F A C T O R Y
===============================================================================
LADY: Who are you?
TOMMY: Your new owner.
LADY: Were you now, or at any time, a child?
TOMMY: What are you talking about?
LADY: Were you a child!?
TOMMY: Yes! Calm down! What's wrong with you?
LADY: I knew it. A child.
LADY: A dirty, stinking, sniveling, snotting, vile, puking, crying little baby
LADY: A baby!.. an awful, horrible, disgusting little boo hoo.
LADY: Mommy doesn't love you. You little shit!
TOMMY: Ow! Calm down.
LADY: I HATE babies, and I hate children.
LADY: They're dirty, sniveling, snotting, vile, puking little..
TOMMY: Enough already! What's wrong with you?
TOMMY: You make soft ice cream, okay? It's purely for kids.
TOMMY: What kind of psycho are you?
TOMMY: Just so I understand this, why make children happy if you hate them?
LADY: Oh, you stupid, sniveling, snotty...
TOMMY: Shut up!
LADY: Brat!
LADY: The ice cream is a front.
LADY: We distribute other, non-dairy products.
LADY: And if I see a kid, I put him to good use.
LADY: Don't I, kiddies? Yes - yes, I do. Mummy doesn't love you.
LADY: She HATES you!
===============================================================================
3. B O A T Y A R D
===============================================================================
TOMMY: Hello? Hel-lo?! Hello?
DUDE1: Put it out. There's a dude here.
DUDE1: Hey suit dude! I guess you're the new owner?
TOMMY: Yeah. Which one of the boats is the fastest?
DUDE1: It's already in the water, dude,
DUDE1: I though you might want to try her out.
DUDE2: Dude, she's already running with a 300 horse power engine...
DUDE1: and the fiberglass hull, she just shoots through the waves!
DUDE2: She can do like zero to sixty in four seconds flat dude...
DUDE1: and she can hold like twenty bales
DUDE1: of the best Jamaican smoke right in the hull!
DUDE2: So go ahead dude, she's ready to fly!
DUDE1: Yo yo, uh, suit dude, you gotta light?
DUDE1: Dude? Dude?
===============================================================================
4. K A U F M A N C A B S
===============================================================================
LADY: Guess you're the new owner.
LADY: What are you, mob? Cartel? You don't look Mexican...
LADY: Anyhoo, I guess you better get on with the
LADY: 'things are gonna change around here' crap,
LADY: maybe threaten one of the drivers
LADY: go steady on Ted over there, he's just had his hernia fixed.
TOMMY: Well, yeah. Things are going to change around here, lady.
LADY: Oh crap, sonny. Might as well leave this to me
LADY: I've been doing this for years.
LADY: Now hear this.
LADY: We are now under new management
LADY: and things are going to change around here again.
LADY: Our new management, the -
LADY: Which gang are you?
TOMMY: Well, I'm not part of any gang actually.
LADY: What's your goddamned name, kid?
TOMMY: Vercetti, Tommy Vercetti.
LADY: Our new management, the Vercetti Gang,
LADY: is gonna make sure we get no trouble.
LADY: Capiche? Out!
LADY: Did you like the 'capiche'? I liked the 'capiche'.
LADY: So this is how it's worked in the past,
LADY: We run the firm as usual.
LADY: If we get any trouble from rival firms, you beat the crap out of them.
LADY: Then they beat the crap out of us,
LADY: then you beat the crap out of them,
LADY: etcetera, etcetera. You got it?
TOMMY: Uh, yeah, I guess...
LADY: Just grab a taxi from the garage if you feel like jumping in.
------
a. VIP
------
FEMALE VOICE: Ok, we got a high class fare
FEMALE VOICE: needs picking up from Starfish island - any takers?
TOMMY: Tommy here, I'll take it!
TAXI DRIVER: This is my fare, back off asshole!
TOMMY: Come on come on, Get in, quick!
VIP: Ok, ok! Just don't hurt me!
-------------------
b. FRIENDLY RIVALRY
-------------------
FEMALE VOICE: Calling all cars, we're losing fares all over town.
FEMALE VOICE: What's with you guys?
MALE VOICE: VC Cabs keep beating us to it.
MALE VOICE: They've just got too many cars - we can't compete!
FEMALE VOICE: Mr. Vercetti, if you're out there listening in,
FEMALE VOICE: you gotta put some VC Cabs out of action before we go bust!
--------------
c. CABMAGEDDON
--------------
FEMALE VOICE: Car 13, We got a Miss Cortez, asked for you especially.
TOMMY: Ok, I got it. Car 13 out!
TOMMY: Hmmmm, no sign of Mercedes...
TAXI DRIVER1: It's time for Kaufman Cab's guardian angel to eat some fender!
TAXI DRIVER2: Hey boy I'm gonna tan your hide!
===============================================================================
5. T H E M A L I B U
===============================================================================
-------------
a. NO ESCAPE?
-------------
KEN: Tommy! Hey, Tommy, look at this, this is great!
KEN: I've got us this minibar installed!
TOMMY: We got a whole bar downstairs, Ken.
KEN: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Well, I got the chalkboard you asked for.
TOMMY: Ah, that's the benefit of a law school education;
TOMMY: the ability to follow instructions.
TOMMY: Now, I need a safe man.
KEN: Oh, all right, well, let me think...safe, safe, safe, safe
KEN: I got it! This guy will blow you away!
KEN: Ahh, nah, that schmuck. He's on the inside.
TOMMY: Where inside?
KEN: In a police headquarter cell awaiting transfer.
TOMMY: I think he's about to get paroled....
TOMMY: Cam Jones?
CAM: Yeah, that's me..
TOMMY: I'm busting you out!
CAM: Whatever you say!
CAM: Lose the heat and get me back to my place!
TOMMY: I'm gonna be doing a job and you're my safe cracker.
CAM: Beats losing my ass in a cell!
---------------
b. THE SHOOTIST
---------------
TOMMY: We need a stick up man. You know one?
KEN: Hey, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, this stuff keeps you sharp, man.
KEN: WoooOOOooo!
KEN: I could be your stick up man! Stick 'em up! Stick 'em up!
TOMMY: You ain't a stick up man, you're an idiot.
TOMMY: Now get yourself a drink and shut up.
KEN: Hey, get outta my way! Yeh yeh yeh - ow ow ow!
CAM: Relax
TOMMY: Cam, what do you think?
CAM: Well, the best shooter in this town is a guy named Cassidy.
TOMMY: Is that so?
CAM: Yeah. A military guy, or he thinks he is.
CAM: I doubt he was ever in the army,
CAM: but he certainly knows how to get a hold of guns.
CAM: He'll be down at the shooting range.
TOMMY: You Phil Cassidy?
PHIL: Why?
TOMMY: I'm looking for a man who can handle a gun.
TOMMY: From this setup, I'm not too convinced.
PHIL: Son, I could shoot a fly off your head at 80 feet.
TOMMY: Oh really?
PHIL: Yeah. I learnt in the army.
TOMMY: Fly shooting real popular in the army? Glad I don't pay tax.
PHIL: You tryin' to be funny kid?
PHIL: Ha ha ha ha ha!
PHIL: Let's shoot.
TOMMY: So you wanna do me a favor, and help me put together a job?
PHIL: Son, after shooting like that,
PHIL: if you asked me to be your wife, I'd say yes.
-------------
c. THE DRIVER
-------------
TOMMY: Things are starting to come together nicely here.
KEN: What's the plan, Tommy? Que pasa, amigo?
TOMMY: The plan is you keep doing that like a moron. Anyhow, we need a driver.
KEN: Tommy, I'll do it. I can drive.
PHIL: You want Hilary, mister. Not some smart-talking law school chump.
PHIL: Hilary's the real deal. You ain't never seen anyone drive so fast.
PHIL: I'll give him a call here.
PHIL: Hey Hil, it's Phil. How's it going? No. don't talk.
PHIL: We'll reminisce later. You want to do me a favor?
PHIL: I got me a guy from up north.
PHIL: No, no, I don't think he was in the service, but he wants a driver.
PHIL: For a bit of action. Okay, I understand.
TOMMY: What'd he say?
PHIL: Well, he'll do it, no problem. Well, there might be a little problem
PHIL: see, he has abandonment issues.
PHIL: Seems he won't work for anyone who can't beat him.
PHIL: Something to do with his momma.
PHIL: Anyway, he wants to race you first, said he'd meet you outside..
HILARY: You Tommy? Of course you're Tommy, I mean,
HILARY: Why else would anyone want to speak to me?
HILARY: OK. Consider it this way;
HILARY: I'll drive for you IF, and only IF, you can drive properly.
HILARY: Leave me alone - and I'll never forgive you.
HILARY: Ok. I'll drive for you, but please, treat me bad.
----------
d. THE JOB
----------
TOMMY: As you can see, gentlemen,
TOMMY: this is going to be the easiest buck we ever made.
KEN: Tommy, seriously, you gotta consider going into law.
PHIL: What the hell are you smoking, man? This ain't no simple plan!
PHIL: Well, who needs a simple plan anyway?
PHIL: Take communism, now that was a simple plan.
PHIL: Didn't do Russia any favors, huh?
TOMMY: Calm down, all right?
TOMMY: With a team like this it's going to be no problem.
TOMMY: We got Cam on safe. Phil? You and me will handle security,
TOMMY: and Hilary'll drive the getaway car.
KEN: Uh, heh heh, aren't you forgetting somebody?
KEN: Somebody who helped you to no end in this town? Somebody who...
TOMMY: Ken... Ken, that's right. Ken here,
TOMMY: he washes the money for us and he keeps the drinks on ice.
HILARY: I don't understand what I am supposed to be doing here.
TOMMY: Look, it's easy. Haven't you ever seen a movie?
TOMMY: We walk into the bank, we wave the gun around, and leave very rich men.
TOMMY: I'll drive.
HILARY: Great. A passenger. Wait 'til I tell the group about this.
CAM: Tommy, Hilary's taking up too much room!
HILARY: I am not!
CAM: Are too!
TOMMY: Hey, shut up you two, or you can get out and walk.
CAM: Yeah - HILARY.
TOMMY: For god's sake, Phil, stop waving that thing around!
TOMMY: Keep driving around the block, OK?
HILARY: Okay, Tommy, okay.
TOMMY: Ok, guys. Nice an easy just as we planned.
TOMMY: THIS IS A RAID!
PHIL: NOBODY MOVE!
TOMMY: EVERYBODY UP AGAINST THAT WALL!
TOMMY: Phil, hold down the fort!
PHIL: Wilco roger that!
TOMMY: Come on Cam, the vault's upstairs...
CAM: Damn! It's a Flange 9000!
CAM: This could take hours to crack,
CAM: Or five minutes if you could find the manager.
TOMMY: I'll go find where he's holed up.
TOMMY: Phil, things still sweet?
PHIL: Sure. Everything's reeaal quiet.
TOMMY: You - you're coming with me!
MAN: Ok! Ok! Just don't shoot!
PHIL: I SAID NOBODY MOVE!
MAN: It's on a time lock,
MAN: You might as well give up now!
CAM: Hell, I can bypass the time lock,
CAM: Then we just need your key code and we're good!
TOMMY: Stay here. You try anything and you're dead.
TOMMY: I'm gonna check on Phil, I'll be right back.
PHIL: I told you not to touch that alarm!
PHIL: The SWAT team will be here any minute!
PHIL: I could do with some help here, Tommy!
POLICE: Vice City S.W.A.T! You are completely surrounded!
PHIL: Surrounded? HA HA HA HAAAAAaaa!
PHIL: They're crapping themselves, corrupt bastards!
CAM: Tommy! The vault's open!
TOMMY: Ok, we got the SWAT retirement fund. Let's get out of here!
POLICE: Ok, you asked for it! You've had your last chance!
PHIL: They're storming the place!
PHIL: Take cover!
PHIL: That's the last of them. GO! GO! GO!
PHIL: Shit! Where's Hilary?
HILARY: Hey guys! Get in! I got you covered!
PHIL: We made it! We're rich! RICH!
MERCEDES: Tommy, would you like a massage?
TOMMY: Well, Hi there, Mercedes! Yeah, I'm a little tense...
PAUL: What'd I tell you Tommy? What'd I tell you?
PAUL: Bent SWAT better watch out when Kent Paul is in town.
PAUL: Come on, gimme a bigger slice, mate, c'mon.
PAUL: I gotta get some new threads.
===============================================================================
6. F I L M S T U D I O
===============================================================================
--------------------
a. RECRUITMENT DRIVE
--------------------
STEVE: Action.
GIRL: Whoa! Now that's big.
MAN: 12 inches. That is regulation baby.
STEVE: CUT!! Who IS this idiot? You! YOU! Why are you in my space? WHY?
TOMMY: What is all this crap?
TOMMY: Aliens? Fishing poles?
TOMMY: Who's ever seen a shark that big?
TOMMY: All this stuff's gotta go.
TOMMY: Why'd you get in this business, ya prick?
TOMMY: Huh?
TOMMY: For the pussy, that's why! What is this??
STEVE: This is my art - SECURITY!
TOMMY: Look, you pompous asshole, I own you now. I own all of this.
TOMMY: We're gonna turn this place around...
TOMMY: I'm gonna make you rich.
STEVE: Uh. You're - You - you're Tommy Vercetti? But I thought that you were...
TOMMY: That's right.
TOMMY: We're gonna be making some changes around here
TOMMY: and start making some real money.
STEVE: Actually, have you ever thought about, umm...
TOMMY: But first we're going to need some good-looking broads.
STEVE: Yeh, girls are fine but you... whew!
TOMMY: Yo, Candy. I'm looking for movie talent - you interested?
CANDY: Sure! But, you'd have to talk to my agent...
PIMP: The HELL are you doin'?
PIMP: You should have stayed at home today!
TOMMY: Hey Mercedes!
MERCEDES: Hey Tommy! You wanna party?
TOMMY: Not now sweets. You interested in doing some movies?
MERCEDES: Of course. As long as it's cheap and sleazy.
TOMMY: Heh heh - you're hired!
MERCEDES: Tommy, you coming in for a warm-up?
TOMMY: Maybe later, babe...
MERCEDES: Whoa, cool shark!
-------------
b. DILDO DODO
-------------
TOMMY: How's filming going, Steve?
STEVE: Well, Candy is a natural and that new girl - she's insatiable!
STEVE: She went through half the cast and crew
STEVE: before I even took a light reading.
STEVE: Anyway, hey, tomorrow we're going on location to shoot the boat scenes
TOMMY: Boat scenes?! What boat scenes?
STEVE: The fishermen are in the throes of passion
STEVE: when this giant shark comes in -
TOMMY: What'd I say about the giant shark?
TOMMY: I said, 'NO GIANT SHARK', alright?
TOMMY: Just keep the cameras pointed at the poontang!
STEVE: Ok ok, hey Tommy, a guy's gotta try, right?
TOMMY: Get those flyers printed up?
STEVE: Yeah, but nobody's gonna let us distribute those things, I mean
STEVE: They're just too, uh, they're unimaginative.
TOMMY: You don't worry about that.
TOMMY: I've got my own ideas for distribution.
STEVE: O.K. Hey, Candy, uh - in my trailer.
--------------------
c. MARTHA'S MUG SHOT
--------------------
TOMMY: Ok, what's the problem now?
STEVE: SSShhhh!
STEVE: Well, after his close encounter with the nympho-invaders,
STEVE: our hero finds himself unable to think of anything
STEVE: but this huge phallic mountain -
STEVE: and that's when I want to do the scene with the vat of mashed potatoes,
STEVE: but then we, uh -
TOMMY: I don't give a crap about that!
TOMMY: J - Just keep going, keep going!
TOMMY: You mentioned something about some legal problem on the phone?
STEVE: Congressman Alex Shrub has jumped on the pre-election bandwagon,
STEVE: he's going after the puritan vote.
STEVE: Rumors are he's gonna support measures to restrict, shall we say,
STEVE: the more fleshy aspects of this nation's great entertainment industry.
TOMMY: Candy! You know Shrub,
TOMMY: you guys get up to anything kinky?
CANDY: Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah! Yes yes yes YES OOOoooh!
STEVE: Please - tell me you got that.
TOMMY: Was that part of the, uh... or was she talking to..?
STEVE: Hey, I can never tell. Anyway...
STEVE: You're probably best following her after the shoot,
STEVE: see if she'll lead you to their new love nest.
TOMMY: You got a camera?
STEVE: Yeah. Get him a camera.
CANDY: Hey!
SHRUB: Uh, Candy, could you call me Martha?
CANDY: Oh Alex - I mean Martha. Whatever you say...
CANDY: Martha, someone's watching.. how kinky.
BODYGUARD: You! Give me that camera!
--------------
d. G-SPOTLIGHT
--------------
CANDY: I'm sorry, but I just can't swallow this right now.
STEVE: Oh COME ON darling!
STEVE: He's hung like a sperm whale for pity's sake,
STEVE: how can you not feel the part?!
CANDY: But Stevie...
TOMMY: How's my star director?
STEVE: Oh, man. The struggle between the artistic integrity and
STEVE: the humping, pumping action continues unabated.
STEVE: And before you ask, yes, all four videos will be released by their...
STEVE: Honey, can you PLEASE keep the anaconda in the shot,
STEVE: he costs more per hour than you do!
CANDY: Oh, sorry Steve.
TOMMY: I was thinking,
TOMMY: we need some kind of big stunt to really promote the launch.
TOMMY: Something that will make a real impact on the City - you got any ideas?
STEVE: Well, in the old days they used to have gala events,
STEVE: stars, limos, the night sky crisscrossed with searchlights...
TOMMY: Searchlights! I've got an idea...
STEVE: ...yeah, yeah, yeah. The little sequined numbers,
STEVE: and the limos, oh, premieres
STEVE: Oh, yes ma'am, of course ma'am,
STEVE: and the press, and the barrage of lights...
===============================================================================
7. P R I N T W O R K S
===============================================================================
---------------------
a. SPILLING THE BEANS
---------------------
KELLY: Mr. Vercetti? Hey. You bought the old print works?
TOMMY: Yeah, my old man used to work on these.
TOMMY: I used to spend the evenings with him, cleaning the rollers...
TOMMY: I was going to follow him in his trade, but...I lived a different life.
KELLY: You planning on selling the old machinery, breaking it down?
TOMMY: I'm thinking we might print something - a newspaper, a magazine...
KELLY: Oh, crap, sonny, low grade crap. I've always fancied printing money.
KELLY: It ain't too hard.
KELLY: You know, I've been doing it on a small scale for years.
TOMMY: Really?
KELLY: Sure. But we'd need some good quality plates.
KELLY: Of course!
KELLY: There's a counterfeiting syndicate already operating in Florida.
TOMMY: A syndicate?
KELLY: Yeah. Just rumors is all I've heard.
TOMMY: I know a man who's good with rumors...
PAUL: Look at the arse on that!
PAUL: Awright girl, it's your loss mate init!
PAUL: Awright me ol'china, how's it hangin'?
TOMMY: What do you know about counterfeiting?
PAUL: Oh I'm fine Paul, how 'bout you?
TOMMY: Come 'ere!
PAUL: Awright! Awright! Awright!! You're obviously a busy man.
PAUL: All I know about dodgy readys is the Triads supply the plates.
PAUL: They've got a shipping company down the docks,
PAUL: the boss man would know when the plates are coming in next!
TOMMY: Thanks...Paul!
PAUL: What's the matter with you, you maniac!
PAUL: Give me another drink, lively!
BOSS: Who are you? Oooof! Aaiieee! Not the face! Not the face!
BOSS: Ok, I talk! I talk!
------------------
b. HIT THE COURIER
------------------
TOMMY: Alright, the courier's moving the plates from the docks today.
TOMMY: I'm gonna go intercept them, grab the plates, lose any heat,
TOMMY: and make my way back here.
TOMMY: Now. Depending how well this goes,
TOMMY: we may have five minutes to print the money
TOMMY: before the counterfeit syndicate finds us, or we may have all year.
TOMMY: Either way, I want green rolling off the presses
TOMMY: five minutes after I get back. Got it?
KELLY: Don't you worry Tommy. We'll be ready.
LANCE: Me an'the boys will be around in the neighborhood
LANCE: case you need any heat taken care of.
TOMMY: All right, everybody cool? All right. I'll catch you later...
===============================================================================
VI. CREDITS
- Rockstar North for making GTA: Vice City.
- Rockstar Games for publishing GTA: Vice City.
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